Eddie Izzard on toasters
Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 11:47AM 
Yeah. Toasters. Toasters are good. Like them. Like toast. You've got a toaster and it's got a turny-dial knob thing on the side. And it lies to us. It does not tell the truth. For it has numbers from one to six and they lie. You set on four, you put bread in, and it comes up three.
"This is three toast. No good at all. Hardly done."
You set and change to five. It comes up six, all burnt. Scrape, scrape, scrape.
"Oh, f**k it. Forget it."
The toast is in there going, "Stay down, lads. Stay down. Stay down! Go for the burn! No pain, no gain! No fish, no fowl. No socks, no shoes. No hair, no haircut."
The other toast's going, "What are you talking about?"
"I don't know. I just quite liked saying it."
I think it's one and a half times for each piece of toast. Correct me if I'm wrong here. Toast goes in. Comes up. You don't even look at it, you whack it straight down. Then you wander round with one eye on the toaster. The whole automated idea is lost.
The toast's going, "Wait till he looks at the Cup-A-Soup."
You're going, "Cup-A-Soup, Pot Noodle, Cup-A-Soup, Pot Noodle. Oh, it's burning! Oh, no. In the bin."
And it gets stuck in there. You know you're not supposed to put a knife in. But you're an adult now. It's your toaster. You want to live on the edge… so get knives in the toaster. And forks. All cutlery in the toaster. And use a whisk as well. Get it in… Take it and do it in the bath. In the bath. Do it. Turn the water on. Plug. Eat a jam sandwich at the same time. Light matches. Burn the house down.
Eddie Izzard (1997) Glorious
If this makes absolutely no sense to you, I suggest you watch the video!
Quotes
Reader Comments (5)
I don't think i have laughed out loud so much when on the computer...well ever. God i love him...and who knew it translates in writing? perhaps its because i can see him doing it...or you doing it either way it's hilarious, he's a genius and i love him...
more over i was thinking exactly the same thing this morning because we just got a NEW toaster and it still lies!!!
fabulous
I love him too! I would be interested to know whether it does actually translate in writing. The thing is when I read it, I read it exactly as he says it and can hear his voice and intonations and, like you, I can see him doing it. I just thought of a solution and have added a link to the You Tube video for the uninitiated.
All toasters lie, that is the truth of it! ;)
You know when I read it I hear it as you saying it Vix cause you've said it to me so much cause I love it and it's hilarious. And it is still so true xx
I agree ray!
whenever someone says an eddie izzard quote i always think of vixy.
"this is a poo a shop, everything here is made of poo..."
"cake or death?...ahh cake please..."
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